When Lonely Can Be Dangerous
Yikes, I thought I had a LITTLE bit of savvy. Think again.
I guess I will talk about the loneliness first. As the mourning over my loss eases, I find myself feeling pummeled by another flavor of the grief process. An intense yearning for companionship, which is frequently difficult to differentiate from physical ache and desire for contact.
There seems to be several processes going on at the same time. I am figuring out who I am, who I have always been but have been blocked from expressing those parts of myself. This, combined with the intense desire for close friendship, intimate on an understanding level and on a physical level, makes me feel particularly precarious. For one thing, I don’t want a committed relationship yet, but I want some kind of a relationship that has an emotional connection.
And for another, I am concerned that being in a relationship or even having an emotional connection of any depth, will somehow stunt the growth and development of me, of my true self. Being in a relationship involves give, take, compromise, and a pretty good knowledge of myself and who I am. I don’t want to start giving up or stunting the growth of those pieces of me that are just learning how to crawl, and still have to learn how to walk and run and hop and jump.
Push, pull, push, pull, yin, yang…intensely lonely and yet not wanting to fall deeply into a relationship and lose myself. I have done that before. I don’t want to repeat that.
And so, I feel like that lonely widow (yes I know I am a widower), but the picture is usually a widow. But in reality, I wonder if it is men that get taken advantage of more often, okay, okay, no intentions of starting a gender war here, just saying maybe men are more easily duped because when their hormones are off the charts they think with a different part of their anatomy than their brain??????…lol. So, I usually envision the widow (okay already, make it a senior citizen) that gets taken advantage of by some salesperson or someone on the phone offering something too good to be true, like a prize, and if they just share their social security number or their bank account number they win the prize. Ha. Some prize…LOL.
So, I am talking about me, getting duped online by someone that sounded too good to be true. I will spare you the real juicy details (sorry) but two days into our talking, I had shared my email address and my cell phone, and thankfully not too much more other than a piece of my heart. And after leading me to believe she was doing rather well for herself with her business, she asks me to buy her a $100. I-Tunes gift card. Out of left field (or right field for all the southpaws in this world).
I had no clue as to why she would ask me to do that. And although in the back of my head I had kept a little doubt (not TOTALLY brain dead), the rest of my brain had been pulled into believing that I had met someone who was attractive, and shared similar interests, and my emotions had been manipulated. I managed to stop contact as of that moment thanks to the counsel of a long-term trusted friend whom I called immediately, and then I blocked this woman’s phone number on my cell phone with assistance at the phone store.
Vulnerable, lonely, and way too easily taken in. And then, it is sad afterwards, I am sad afterwards, because what felt like a connection with a “virtual” human being, is suddenly gone, and I am left with the realization that … wow, I am one lonely dude…and I need to meet someone face to face, not on some electronic screen where I have no way of verifying that anything that is happening with a stranger has any truth to it at all. I could have been talking to a guy for all I know. Very funny.
I put my heart out, for a complete stranger, who had the nerve (yes, I wanted to use some other words here) to manipulate my emotions, pull me in and so totally hook me that it is not just embarrassing, but hurtful. Maybe it is laughable too…it is, and it isn’t.
It is enough to make me cry, tears of fathomless emptiness (okay, moments I feel that way, other moments happy with who I am being) and tears of humor, at how gullible and how I suspended disbelief to believe what I was so hungry to believe.
So, what is positive about this ridiculous occurrence? What did I learn, what benefit did I get? Well, I wrote at least one good poem, lol, wrote some thoughts on paper, realized that I am sure now that I want a friend and a companion but I do NOT want a relationship right now. I clarified to some small degree, some things I want and do not want.
I would love a friend (with benefits at some point, but how do I keep from getting too emotionally attached?) I want a companion, with whom to share some activities that are mutual joys, and I want a friend or friends with whom there is much more than a surface connection. I want to be able to share my heart and sometimes my tears, but even more so, my laughs.
I went on a (laughing) more healthy activity than online exploration. I went on a hike yesterday morning, through Meet Ups, it is an online organization that has a slew of activities that people can sign up for, and you know you at least share some interests in common.
I went on a easy to moderate short hike (3.2 miles round trip, with about 850 ft. elevation climb going up) with about 7 others. I engaged four or five in conversation. It was pleasant. A while after I got home, I realized I had an irritation on the inside of one thigh which needed a mirror and some height to be able to see it. It was some kind of chaffing that needed ointment, but I wanted to look and make sure the skin was not broken.
This meant I needed to take a chair into the bathroom (a rather small bathroom). I managed to get the chair in there as I was laughing already since this was not an easy task. Now up on the chair I realized how strange this would look if I fell and someone found me wedged in between toilet, chair and tub. My mantra for the moment became…DO NOT FALL off this chair.
I have worked waaaaay too hard to get to this place, to this present moment, and let some jerk online throw me for too big a loop. But it did hurt and leave a mark. I learned some valuable information about myself and about what I need to stay away from on the internet. The lure is attractive, very attractive, and when desire is screaming, it is easy to get seduced. Perfect word for the occasion. And I thought I was in control. Care to think again?
I think I know the healthy road to take. Sometimes difficult to stay on it.
And if all this sounds confusing, damn right it is. Emilee told me to stay out of trouble. She knew me. I aImost bought the Brooklyn Bridge several times. I will do better. Promise to myself. One scare is enough for me.
((Damn, her picture was awfully hot though (laughing)…sigh……didn’t I learn anything???????))
((( I should have known she wasn’t THE ONE…she did NOT sing. Keep looking)))
Life After Emilee, on the loss of my wife to pancreatic cancer. I’m not accepting comments right now but please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page.