Emilee…I am sorry…I did the best I could…I vow to do better…and I think you would be proud of me for trying to do so..I am sorry I did not have more time to do so with you…I cannot change that…I can only move on from here and hopefully improve…I am grateful for having had the privilege of being with you and learning along the way together…I will always love you…and always carry you in my heart.
DAY 5 Becoming DAY 6
Maybe this sounds like a high end greeting card. I don’t know. I started last night, and I changed a few things this morning. And I will probably change something each time I read it.
Maybe it will become how I am thankful or joyful, but it started as an apology for my shortfalls which are inevitable as an imperfect person.
I am having an imaginary conversation with my imaginary loved one. It is more of a monologue. I am saying I am sorry. And she is asking what am I sorry for? Why am I saying to her that I am sorry? This is where it started, saying I am sorry, and it morphed into more than a simple apology. And I begin…
I am sorry because I can never thank you enough for being who you are.
I am sorry because I will miss (forget to acknowledge) some of the small things you do that make my life a richer, smoother experience, and continually add to my joy of being alive
I am sorry for forgetting things I wish I had remembered
I am sorry for hurting you inadvertently by something I said or something I omitted and should have said, something I did or did not do
I am sorry for not saying I love you more, and I do, I love you more and more
I am sorry for not always understanding and recognizing what it is you need or would like, but I promise to pay attention as much as I am able and want you to tell me what those things are even if you are afraid to do so
I am sorry for too often forgetting to be the romantic man you like me to be and will do my best to remember
I am sorry for not saying I am sorry sometimes and taking too long to say it and sometimes having a hard time saying it
I am sorry for the mistakes I will make because I am human and sometimes I react too quickly and act without thinking
I am sorry for sometimes burdening you with my pain, my empty spots, my loneliness that you can only listen to and not fix for me (but how I love that you know how to listen and hear me)
I am sorry that I cannot fix your pain, your empty spots, your loneliness and I will listen the best that I can
I am sorry for sometimes crying on your shoulder…but I love you for giving me your shoulder to cry on
I love you for all the things that I am sorry for and for knowing that you are still here listening to me
I will always say I am sorry when you tell me that I have done something that felt hurtful and I will truly mean it
I am sorry ahead of time for forgetting that each moment I have with you is precious and that each moment is an opportunity to build more love together
I am sorry that I can’t thank you enough for understanding that I must carry my past loves in my heart and I love you for honoring and respecting that and for allowing the space for me to share those memories with you, and promise I will do the same for you
I am sorry that sometimes we can’t fuse together in a cosmic nirvana and stay in that blissful union forever
I am saying I will be present with you to the limits that I am able, and I am sorry for that not being more
I will love you to the absolute depths of my being, and I vow to remember to say “thank you” for the little things, “please” when I ask something of you, and “I am sorry” when I have faltered
I love you for loving me with my imperfections as I love you with yours, and for recognizing that each of us is a being in progress
I promise to support you in your journey, as you support me in mine.
Adjacent legs entwined in passion
roots growing deep from our entwined feet,
our outside legs free to dance arabesques
branches spreading in chaotic chords
entropy with fractal symmetry
harmonic compassion reaching towards the sky,
melodic leaves drinking sunshine till their final pirouette,
sunshine and joy,
joy and love
the elixirs of life
shall we drink?
I am not sure what prompted this. I mean, it almost or not almost, it does sound like a wedding vow. I am not sure what it is. Maybe I will start writing for a card company. Maybe it has to do with my starting to let go, even though it sounds like I am thinking of what it means to me to love another person, rather, to be in love with another person. I am not sure about the “to be in love with another person”.
Maybe I am thinking about what I want to feel like in my next relationship. Maybe I am redefining for myself what I want a relationship to feel like, and maybe in so doing, I am creating a vision board…we tend to manifest what we envision. So, maybe I am starting to envision what it is I want and if I can envision it, if I can describe it, feel it, imagine it, see it, feel it in my bones, then maybe I can live it, maybe it will happen. Build it, and they will come. Field of dreams. A wonderful vision. Of healing, of possibilities, of hope, of love.
I have read this a few times. I have debated if this is just too personal, and have decided…it is. And still I share it, because that is the romantic foooooool in me.
This is Neal Harvey…………..good day!
Life After Emilee, on the loss of my wife to pancreatic cancer. I’m not accepting comments right now but please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page.