Life After Emilee Logo | Neal Klein honoring his wife after losing her to pancreatic cancer
Life After Emilee Logo | Neal Klein honoring his wife after losing her to pancreatic cancer
Life After Emilee Logo | Neal Klein honoring his wife after losing her to pancreatic cancer

Birthday Month, Days One Through Five

August 1, 2017 wigs, rings, letting go, wanting connections

 

The wigs…there are five, including the hat wig, which makes me look like Willie Nelson when I wear it, so I will probably keep that one for now, and when I don’t use it, I will give that away also. Twice I got them together and was going to take them to the shop that does this….and I put them right back and said…what is my hurry…and the other voice said….yeah but…. and yeah butted back and forth and then they stayed…and I did not take them yet…..she did not even wear them, and I am having a hard time giving anything away…. it is kind of nuts…. it is and it isn’t…you know???

I want to hold onto them…but they are things….but they were on her body….but they are things….but they touched her….but they are JUST THINGS…. I know I know I know…. and they are not her…. some of them don’t even have any meaning…. the wigs…she put them on one after the other ONE DAY….she modeled them for me…..ONE DAY…..but it is a MEMORY….but the memory won’t go if I give the wigs away…..I know that but…. it feels like a link…like a connection….. yeah but they are just laying or lying goddamn I wish I could figure out that f’g verb verb already…. ok ok ok… google it…. I will….

 

They are just lying around….laying around…(this is the right one, I had to look it up and I need the chart to remember…lol)….. and someone else can use them… ok…… you get the picture right….??? the conversation that goes on….I was not expecting this …this morning….then again…I never expect these things…they just happen…. but seeing people respond to my posts…. made me think of her….this…. her wigs…her clothes…. all the things I need to do and haven’t done yet….

 

I have absolutely practically no closet space…why? ???? who the hell do you think had most of the closet space in this house….LOL…. and if we had three more closets in this house I would have a half of one…lol… sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………. you know….I am moving into another phase of grief….welllll….not exactly……more of a bouncing back and forth….

 

how it usually goes…. forward…. or I should say through…… through the passageway a little……then back….then forward a few more crawls….then back………………….etc………….. so….one, I think I am getting ready to give some of her things to the community kitchen where my step-daughter works….. second….. I need to start making some friends before I ………..let’s just say….. there are things I want to say but am holding back…

 

It is not just being lonely…..or maybe it is ….I don’t know…. there are lots of people that are lonely in this world……even many who are in a relationship with someone………… there is a lot of lonely in this world….so????

 

Lonely….. I am going to these activity things…you know the meet ups that are listed here….for yoga (a very good one, ratio last time was 30 women, one man….ahuh…that would be me…..ok…ahhhh….I should not reveal these things…other men may start thinking…. hello out there…other men???? do me a favor…..don’t start thinking……thank you)…. other activities to meet people…. and no ….NO..no one struck up a conversation with me on the Yoga/walk at the beach… I have gone twice….very nice…. I like it….gentle…and walk…gentle yoga,..and walk…and if there is someone I were to want to talk to…. I can talk and walk…. ok… No, only been a couple of times, I am or I should say I don’t have a problem striking up conversations…..

 

Also going to Yale swing and blues dancing….I love music…I love moving…. my legs are beginning to learn how to rapidly shift my body weight from leg to leg repeatedly….most are younger going to that…but it is good basic dance training and that is what I need….and it is always fun…. fun is good…. I like fun…. lol… seriously…. any of these fun activities are good in and of themselves….

 

One of these days i will meet someone there…. and yes…I know… I need to go to some of the “singles” activities… even a hike or some other activity that is for singles…… I am getting there…. a little at a time….remember……the passageway…..the crawling back and forth….and forth and back…….ok….. and here….. the kicker for today…..yesterday….actually it was the day before…

 

I took off my wedding band several months ago and replaced it with another ring…a spin ring that emilee liked…. I took off my wedding band …off my 4th finger left hand… and replaced it with Em’s spin ring which just happen to fit…. my wedding band was choking my finger….no…NO…that is NOT A METAPHOR…… and I took her wedding band and put it on my fifth finger (pinky) on left hand…. they had company….the wedding band and the spin ring….. two days ago I thought….gee…maybe people are (women) reluctant to interact because I have a ring on that finger….. I don’t know.

 

What the hell do I know about any of this……..probably just that I have not been in the right environment yet…which is ok up to a point…..getting close to that point…… like getting to that point about now. Anyway….. can I just stay on track here for a FEW GODDAMN MINUTES……..sheeeeesh….so distractible……back to the ring….so I took off the spin ring……I exposed the fourth finger left hand…. and six women approached me at Yale swing and blues……NOT……just joking….. everyone asks everyone to dance at those and there is no pressure and it is fun…… and they are primarily too young….. although?????…..lol…joking, just…okay…..no….this story has no ending……it is just beginning…..

 

But my fourth finger left hand is now exposed, and yeah….it feels kind of naked…..and my fifth finger left hand still wears Em’s wedding band (btw, we have the same ones….it is a hebrew inscription that…I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine)…it fits just right…not too loose so it won’t fall off ….and not too tight so I don’t need soap or oil to get it on and off..ok…. this is just a little accounting of me at this moment….

 

I am still playing my guitar, now also the harmonica…..singing…. and working on doing something with my songs….. I am learning to dance….thank god….it is so in my blood….. and doing a couple things to get some cardio (dance is amazing…. sweat like you would not believe, and heart pumping to keep up…they are all younger…doesn’t phase them…me…I’m like….make sure the O2 tanks are nearby…

 

Well…I don’t know if I have the stamina, the push and drive, the f’g memory banks to remember for an entire month, every day, but I am willing to attempt to go the distance, to (insert here any of a number of inspirational bordering or gung ho competitive type phrases that are supposed to inspire one to push themselves to the limit) walk the walk and talk the talk.

So …day 2…. some days, just keep in mind, that all I did was change the erase board that said ……..”Today is the_____nd or _____ rd or ____th or _____ st day of your birthday month…..Happy Birthday Month…. so just keep that in mind……

 

I may have a day where I am low on fuel (must remind myself, I really am low on gas…my light came on and I didn’t get gas yet…NOTE TO SELF…get gas today before I go anywhere…Ok….geez…soooo f’g distractible…spell ck doesn’t think distractible is a word…. interesting….as I was saying…)

I think…yes… feels like a poem day…yes??? Let us try… you helping???? Poem brain?… rhyme or not? not sure yet… I am feeling it….. seeing what comes….. breathing……rhyming scheme is bubbling…….bubbling…….hmmmmmmmmmm……go for it……
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Joey and the Ring

Joey lost his ring and thinks it is in our yard
I looked the other night and yesterday real hard

I looked high and low and all around the pool
and I understand how he felt like a fool

because the mosquitoes and especially more so the flies
oh my god they absolutely would not stay out of my eyes

I can see how he swatted and swung and mf’rs did sound
and how his ring must have sailed landing somewhere hidden on the ground

and yes I ran out in my PJ shorts and sandals to alert the grass cutters early this morn
to be on the look out for a ring dark silver and not much worn

well they never got back to me and did not say an encouraging word
and I would not be surprised if the woodchuck or maybe a bird

thought it was fodder or some kind of breakfast treat
and maybe needed something a little off the beaten diet to eat

we all know how that is we like to shake up our routine
get bored and pine for some treat for a long time we haven’t seen

or could be chomped up by now by one of the cutting mowers
or flung to kingdom come by an edger or a blower

so without any more ado I feel that probably at best
this is one ring that Joey may have to put to rest

he says he has a backup and this I believe to be true
I gave it my best shot and even asked for help from you

I figure whether here or elsewhere you may know precisely where it is placed
But I will play taps on my harp and a chorus of amazing grace

let us all bow our heads and in this twisted sort of way
we will all wish you a Happy, second (birthday month) day
NmK__________________________________________________

yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…..LOL…well done rhyming, scheming, chess playing brain,
how do you do that….
it is kind of insane…..

it is fun and amazing that somehow you get all the words in place, and hopefully don’t totally make a fool and in language disgrace,

sound toooooooo dr Seussish altho I love Seuss to bits
and this all makes me laugh and enjoy giggles and sh*ts.

and…. HIGH FIVES welcome on this one!!!!!!!!!! by george!!! laugh out loud
I sure hope you are pleased I say with LOVE to you, dear Emilee, and the crowd

 

 

Day 3 was this poem

 

Courage by Anne Sexton

It is in the small things we see it.
The child’s first step,
as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike,
wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking when your heart
went on a journey all alone.
When they called you crybaby
or poor or fatty or crazy
and made you into an alien,
you drank their acid
and concealed it.

Later,
if you faced the death of bombs and bullets
you did not do it with a banner,
you did it with only a hat to
cover your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you
though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal
that you kept swallowing.
If your buddy saved you
and died himself in so doing,
then his courage was not courage,
it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.

Later,
if you have endured a great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed.

Later,
when you face old age and its natural conclusion
your courage will still be shown in the little ways,
each spring will be a sword you’ll sharpen,
those you love will live in a fever of love,
and you’ll bargain with the calendar
and at the last moment
when death opens the back door
you’ll put on your carpet slippers
and stride out.

© by owner. provide

 

Happy 4th day of your Birthday month….by the way…I love this poem….I love the images, the scents, the sounds of the words, the tastes it evokes, all the senses, I can feel it, and then he asks her to dance…he is confident and self assured, gentle yet firm, and there is romance and electricity

Midsummer Memory

Backlit clouds on a midsummer night
Sultry salt air rippling silk breezes
warm wafting scents of soothing Jasmine jazz
Carving soft soapwood Sounds to her gentle heart
Would you care to dance he asked
And took her hand in his
Sparks and tremors then ensued
And lost was she in wispy reverie
NmK

 

Day 5

No ONE IS GOING TO READ THIS… IT IS TOO LONG>>>>>>lol, LOL, especially Courtney…. takes too long to read….pressed for time….ahhh…just read a paragraph or two at a time…you’ll get through it eventually….or not… you can skip a little here and there…or better yet….read real fast….(she did read it)

The funny part is at the end..see the “funny line”…at least I am laughing… burn more calories when you laugh…I just burned a bunch…or is it burnt a bunch?….well…you will have to be my litmus test…. and let me know if you get a chuckle or more than that or nothing at all (some of you are just real fuddy duddies…and/or my sense of humor is my scents of humor….lol…okay, …..ready, set, go……)

So, fifth day is approaching and well…Em you would be happy that I went to the kosher market in Westville today…god, what is the woman’s name? I really just went there to get a hug, because she knew when I first went there a few months ago, that I needed a really good hug…. she is a very wise woman…you already know that… and I know you know her name…mind whispering it in my ear please?….Rachel…yes….pronounced RAAH chel and the chel with a throaty ch…. say it as it would be in hebrew… thank you… she knows how to listen.. I told her how I went to synagogue and it really did not make me feel embraced, and it was not them….I really liked the rabbi there…and I liked the prayer book they use..(I won’t tell anybody I borrowed it)…has some really good poems and prayers and not just gibberish….. but for now, that was not enough to keep me going there… maybe another time, or maybe another place…I will see…. I wanted to feel embraced, and maybe that is not realistic..especially till they get to know you….or maybe I do not settle and will find that somewhere else….RTBS…..lol….remains to be seen

So, when I walked out of the market, I started crying. I was not sure why. I think, and it is happening right now, lol, I think I have a connection with her on a certain vibratory plane…that deeper understanding level…and when I walked away from her and the store, I was alone again, and a sadness and that deep lonely feeling was there for a few moments and then, after being with that and allowing that to come and embracing it, it melted away, and I was able to take a deep breath and go on with what else I had to do and actually felt a lightness. Maybe it was joy I felt too, you know, I can feel more than one emotion. Joy that for a little bit, I felt embraced and that felt delicious.

I really didn’t go there for food, well yes, I did. Spiritual food. And I got exactly what I needed. Of course I also bought three things. But, I went for the heart, not the stomach. But my stomach was happy when I got home and ate lunch….god, I love their gefilte fish (a mix of pike and white fish and at least one other kind of fish, carp), and ground up and formed into an oblong or round shape and I don’t know for sure but I think it is poached (yep, googled it), and theirs has a sweetness to it… haven’t had it in ages, and I thoroughly enjoyed it

I told one of the women in the pharmacy (my next stop, they were very busy in there) the one that rarely smiles, I told her she is very beautiful and she is even more beautiful when she smiles…. I got a little bit of a smile from her…just a little…just enough ….she said she hears that a lot…lol..surprise surprise surprise…. she said she just is not a smiley person… I said, just be yourself then…. another half smile…I like connecting with people like that.

You would also be happy to know that I spent a couple hours on the phone with my new insurance company, making sure all the prescriptions got switched over, and assorted other details. And, I did not wait till I only had two pills left (atta boy). You know, this insurance kicked in three days ago, and of course today I had two doctor appointments. Test runs on the insurance card to work out any glitches…and phone calls to the benefits dept. and also to the mail order RX people, to see how hard it is to get them on the phone. Not too bad with the Rx people, the other number, not the worst, a few tooooo many voice prompts for me, but I can live with it for a year.

So, see? I am doing ok. Huh? Off the cuff poem? yesterdays was a good one…I really liked it. Need something light tonight.

—————————FUNNY LINE————————–

I have an extraordinary talent
especially when fatigued due to insufficient sleep
that I can fall asleep almost anywhere, anywhere? …yep
in almost any position, in an extraordinarily short period of time? ….yep…
MRI? yep… with all that noise?? yep
at a stoplight? yep…seriously?…yep
in church during the christening?? yep yep yep
seriously struggling to stay awake driving home from the ferry after sleeping on the ferry for an hour? yep
opened my eyes on the ferry and half the cars had driven off already?…yep
while waiting to get on the ferry? yep
woke up and half the cars had pulled up to get on already?…..yep
in the church?…..lmaorofl…during the christening?….three times almost fell forward into Alex sitting in front of me?…Yep…had I asked Garrett to watch me? and nudge me if needed? yep…did he?….nope….and who was on my left side? Maryann? (my ex-wife)…yep….did she notice? nope…don’t think so, she was busy taking pictures?….yep….and preoccupied?….yep
in my Feldenkrais exercise class?….yep…
lying on the floor? …yep….
sitting in the chair doing a chair exercise? …..yep
does the instructor know to say my name to startle me? …yep
do my ears hurt right now from laughing so hard?? yep
sitting at my laptop? yep, repeatedly?…..yep
are the tears rolling down my face?…yep
am I the only one laughing?? snorting??
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…it is after midnight now…and this counts as the fifth day posting… yep

now … can someone tell me how to get that inappropriately sexy picture of Jayne Kellner (yes I am sure it is NOT her) off of my facebook page please…. it just does not seem to belong there….yep…and I do not even know her….yep….and NO…don’t ask how did it get there then….okay???
yep….just tell me how to get it off there….thank you…did I figure it would just migrate away if enough other friends were added?..yep.. did i add that many friends?..nope…. am I still laughing??? yep ….. is anyone else??????????? does it really matter?? nope but laughing company would be a virtual hug?? yep…

Neal Klein was live. I  sang a couple of measures of “Amen” recorded live onto facebook.

August 5 at 8:33am ·

The entire Happy Feet extended family, majorly extended family, was just dancing on my roof they have some funky down home rhythm that they just tapped out and I’m just hoping and a praying that they didn’t tap any of my shingles loose and all I can say to that is amen amen and amen.

 

Neal Klein
Life After Emilee, on the loss of my wife to pancreatic cancer. I’m not accepting comments right now but please feel free to get in touch via my Contact page.

 

 

 

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